The invisibility conundrum
Do you ever feel invisible?
I’ve been thinking about invisibility a lot lately. A couple of weeks ago I saw a social media post from a woman who looked to be about my age, who was lamenting that since her last child went off to college and she no longer has children at home, she feels invisible.
As a middle-aged, overweight white woman, I have felt invisible for years. When I am out without my children, people literally do not see me. They bump into me, they close doors on me, they step in front of me when I’m waiting in line, they completely overlook me. At first it bothered me, but then I embraced the idea of being invisible. If no one sees me, if no one notices me, I am free to do and be whatever I want. I have been able to move through the world without makeup, wearing whatever I want, doing whatever I want, without worrying what anyone thinks about me. I have laughed about this invisibility many times. Plenty of people in my life have challenged me on whether I really embrace invisibility or if I am pretending it does not bother me to avoid the unpleasant feelings and thoughts that might accompany it.
Most people do not look at invisibility as a warm and fuzzy feeling. For many people, feeling invisible makes them think they do not matter, that they are not a vital part of things, that they are seen only for what they can do rather than for who they are, that they are an object rather than a person. Unfortunately, when someone feels invisible, there is a good chance their inner critic is getting loud, telling them they are not worthy of being seen. The feeling of invisibility can come from different circumstances: anxiety or depression; gender/race/age generalizations; prejudice or nonacceptance; childhood neglect or abuse; shyness; the list goes on.
Does any of this resonate with you?
A few years ago Deepak Chopra wrote an article about invisibility on Oprah Winfrey’s website. He “coached” readers through a process to feel visible. He suggested we start by identifying what it is that causes the feeling of invisibility. Do we feel left out? Ignored? Isolated? Excluded? Are we not feeling heard? Are our opinions being discredited? What exactly are we feeling?
Once we have figured out what we are feeling, Dr. Chopra suggested the following steps:
Take responsibility. We should accept that our feelings about ourselves are our responsibility and refrain from blaming others. We should accept that our feelings about ourselves take a toll on us..
Look at the situation objectively. When we look at a situation as if it is happening to someone other than ourselves, we sometimes see things more clearly. So look at your situation, the times when you feel invisible, as if it were happening to someone else. What do you notice?
Make a list of the situations that make you feel invisible. Write down what makes you feel invisible. Is it particular locations? Situations? Certain people? Write them down. Then make 3 columns: Really Want to Change, Want to Change But Not Urgent, and Would Be Great to Change but No Hurry. Take each of the things you wrote down and put them in the columns.
Wait a Day or Two And Then Return to Your List. After a day or two, look at your columns again. See if you still agree with the priorities you set for yourself? If not, make whatever adjustments are appropriate to make sure the columns more accurately reflect your priorities.
Talk to a Friend. Pick a friend to be your support system. Share the contents of your list. Talk about what you might do to address the things (or people) that cause you to feel invisible.
Make an Action Plan. Create an action plan for each column. What will you do when faced with a situation that typically makes you feel invisible?
If you did the exercise, you experienced a form of coaching. How did it feel? What did you notice? What did you discover? Schedule a chemistry call with me to explore what coaching could look like for you.
